Ways to Help a Child with Big Emotions in the Moment

Coregulation skills are essential for parents to help children with BIG emotions, realizing it takes some time and skills. These skills involve supporting and guiding children as they navigate their emotions and self-regulation. Here is a list of ways parents can use coregulation skills to assist their children in eventually finding their way to a state of feeling connected and emotionally safe:

1. Tune in to your own Nervous System and Soothe Yourself First: Children often mirror their parents’ emotions, so it’s essential for parents to feel grounded, centered, and composed when helping their child regulate their emotions.
2. Actively Listen With Love: Pay close attention to your child’s words and feelings. Show that you are fully present and interested in what they have to say. Get down on eye level. Soften your face. Breathe FOR your child. Show that you are there and hearing what they are sharing.
3. Empathize: Let your child know that you understand how they feel. Say something like, “I can see that you’re feeling really frustrated right now.”
4. Use Gentle Touch: A comforting touch, like a soft back rub, a hug or holding hands, can help children feel secure and soothe their nervous system.
5. Validate Their Feelings: Confirm that it’s okay for them to feel the way they do. Say, “It’s okay to be angry/sad/frustrated; those are feelings everyone feels sometimes.”
6. Offer Choices: Give your child some control by offering them choices within reasonable limits. For example, “Would you like to talk about it, or do you need some quiet time?”
7. Breathe Together: Practice deep, slow breathing exercises together to help your child regulate their emotions. Inhale and exhale slowly together.
8. Use Visuals: Younger children may benefit from visual aids like a picture book with soothing imagery, photos, a soothing nature scene.
9. Provide a Safe Space: Create a quiet, safe space where your child can retreat where they may choose to go to soothe. Ensure it’s stocked with comforting items like soft blankets or stuffed animals.
10. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your child to express themselves by asking questions like, “Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?”
11. Set a Positive Example: Model healthy emotional regulation by talking about your emotions and how you constructively manage them.
12. Limit Screen Time: Excessive screen time can contribute to heightened emotions. Set reasonable screen time limits and encourage other activities.
13. Establish Routines: Predictable routines can help children feel more secure and reduce anxiety. Stick to a consistent schedule when possible.
14. Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Help your child identify the problem and brainstorm solutions together. Encourage them to think critically about their choices.
15. Reinforce With Delight: Show delight to your child when they successfully self-regulate, i.e., “Wow….. you remembered what helps you feel better when you’re having big emotions!”
16. Read Together: Reading books that deal with emotions and coping can help children understand and manage their feelings better.
17. Encourage Physical Activity: Physical activity can help release pent-up energy and reduce stress. Encourage your child to play outside or engage in sports.
18. Seek Professional Help if Needed: Consider consulting your pediatrician or a child therapist who provides play therapy and parenting support for guidance and support if your child consistently struggles with emotional regulation.

Remember that every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. It’s essential to adapt your coregulation strategies to your child’s age, personality, and specific needs. The key is to provide a supportive and loving environment that helps them learn to manage their emotions and return to a state of calm effectively.

About the Author: Lynn Louise Wonders is a licensed professional counseling and has provided counseling services for children, parents, families, couples and adults for over 20 years. She has been practicing and teaching mindfulness-based practices as a meditation and yoga teacher for 30 years and she incorporates that work into all of her other work as a therapist, trainer, teacher, consultant and coach. Lynn provides play therapy and mindfulness-based continuing education training world-wide. Lynn is the founder and director of Wonders Counseling & Consulting and founder and Chief Instructor at Mindfulness-based Therapy Training Institute™.